Is Bossy-Bones Always Best? or What Gives Words Power?

You may have heard there is a campaign to ban the word "bossy".  You can read about it here. When I first heard about it, I gasped. Of course!  I have been using this horrible word to describe women!  I am a disgrace to my gender!  It made me rethink the way I viewed women in leadership.  I assumed that, like tom-boy and sissy, it was only women that were described as bossy and not men.  I am sure the same traits in men were described using wonderful power words that evoke thoughts of leadership and grandeur.

My best friend and I have a saying, "Bossy-Bones is Always Best."  I won't bore you with the story of how it was born.  Just know that if you are riding in a car with me and you are wondering if I am going to remember to turn, just know I am not.  It's better to be bossy and tell me my business than to wait while I find a place to turn around (which can be hazardous).  Which I do a lot when I drive by myself.  There's just so much to think about...

So then I asked my best friend in the whole world what she thought of the #BanBossy movement.

She did not gasp.  She merely tilted her head thoughtfully.  We decided to test my theory of inequality by listing men who we thought were bossy and then finding the adjectives that were used to describe them.

However, there was a problem.  We couldn't think of a man in our lives who were bossy.  Not our fathers, nor our husbands, nor our brothers.  There are bossy men I am sure, but we thought we would probably call them other negative words (which I will not type, but women are typically not called them.)

Then she said, "Well, look where it came from."  She pointed out Lucy from Peanuts and Margaret from Dennis the Menace and Beezus from the Ramona Books.  The comics are written by men but the books are not.  Why is it not Joey who exhibits Margaret's strong personality?  Why is it not Charlie Brown or Schroeder who is manipulative and judgmental? Why not Henry?

I brought up Jem from To Kill a Mockingbird.  Would he be described as bossy?  She said, "No, protective."  But why?  Why is he protective but Beezus bossy?

Then we have TV shows like The Cosby Show and Home Improvement.  My dad hated the way the guys were made out to look like... and the women in their lives were... (remember the shows and fill in your own interpretations)

When I brought it up to a colleague, she agreed it was much bigger than a word used to describe women in leadership. We have taught girls to stand up for themselves, she points out, that no one can tell them what to do.  It's their lives and their decisions and they shouldn't listen to anyone.  That may be hyperbolic... or is it?  What do we teach our young girls?  On the flip side, what do we teach our young boys?  How do we teach them to stand up for themselves?  Is it the same if they are standing up to another man as opposed to standing up to a women? Should it be?

Banning words gives them so much power.  When we don't know, they mean almost nothing.

For example.  There is a word that begins with a "B" and rhymes with Goldilocks.  It's British and I have heard it on movies and TV shows and have even heard my husband say it.  I didn't know what it meant.  Until I went to England to meet my in-laws for the first time.  We were playing cards and I was losing, "oh, bul*%$#&s" I said.  My mother-in-law gasped and my father-in-law coughed and looked away.  My husband leaned over to whisper that was a very bad word.  I was mortified.  I had no idea! Do I still say it?  Of course.   But now that I know what it means, well, it means so much more.

Think of banning books.  That gives them immediate popularity.  The same for movies.  Thing of other words that have been unofficially banned.  Saying them can get you fired.  Or "owning them" can make you legit.  How far are we going to go with "bossy".

Will there come a day when we get fired for calling a woman bossy?  Probably not.  Not all are supporters.  Is it a good venue for a great fight? I don't know.  I mean really what is the issue.  Do woman want equality but still expect a door held for them? Is bossy bones always best? Or do we give that word more power than it deserves?

The Problem with Gen Y, or The Theory of the Bumblebee

I read an article in the Huff Post about the problem with Gen Y.  Not to be a trader to my generation, (yes, I am Gen Y, check here and also here) but there are a lot of Gen Y-ers out there making the rest of us look bad.  The search for the article I found started when a friend of mine was complaining about a person she just hired.  My friend was just stupefied by the lack of respect the person had for authority and how it seemed everything was unfair and due the new employee.

You can read the article here.  Basically it explains that Gen Y has an unrealistic view of... reality.  The views of how success is achieved are clouded by rainbows and unicorns and look-alike medals.  It's a great article full of graphics.

So whose fault is it?  I am not placing blame, but I will say this:  Take the story of the Sneetches, by the wonderful Dr. Seuss.  It was meant to teach us a lesson about  not being taken advantage of and not being stuck up.  Stars were special but then stars were not.  But here's the thing: If everyone is unique, then being unique isn't unique.  It's just the way.  It's like the grading system.  If everyone is getting As is that really exceptional or is it average?  If everyone is above average... it makes a new average.  That's science.  Actually it's math.

Some people will tell us we coddle our kids.  We tell them how wonderful they are.  And I know some are thinking, well they are!  Yes.  They are.  To us.  But if we teach kids everyone is a winner, we really are setting them up for failure.  Everyone doesn't win.  Now I am not saying start keeping score and explain to kindergarten students the actual statistical chances of their success given the data and situation.

Let me ask you: do you let a student believe that he can be anything he wants?  Or do you go around pointing to every bumblebee, explaining why what he is doing is impossible.  My dad used to tell me not to tell a bumblebee he cannot fly, because he doesn't know it.  If you tell him, he will drop to the ground and never be able to get up. He never told me I couldn't, because that would seal my fate.  (That is actually a myth. About bumblebees. Not because I went around whispering horrible truths to bumblebees, but because I read this.)

It is not up to us to tell them they cannot.  Because really, in today's world, anyone probably can.  Look at Susan Boyle, Rudy, Justin Bieber. There are Cinderella stories everyday.  No longer are you confined by your looks, background or lack of natural talent.

So if we don't tell them they can't, and we don't tell them they are wonderful butterflies, as unique and important as the day is long, what do we tell them?  How do we create a culture of hard-workers and over-comers without crushing the dreams of our young?  How do we choose what to celebrate?

(and stop telling people (and yourself) you can't when what you really mean is you don't want to.  Because you can.  It might be hard and it might not even be worth it, but it turns out the bumblebee can fly.  So pick up your bootstraps and do/learn that thing you said you couldn't.  Or just admit you don't want to.  I don't want to clip coupons.  I say I do.  I even clip them.  And then I forget them until they expire.  I say I can't, I don't have time.  What I mean is: I would rather be doing a million other things like Pinterest or Twitter or knitting or Netflixing or crafting a hyperbole than organizing and remembering coupons.  There.  I said it. You can too.)